I DID IT!

Halloween has come (and is almost gone) and I only had ONE candy.  That's right!  I had ONE Reese's Peanut Butter cup and stopped.  Part of my brain wanted to be very strong and not have any, but the other part of my brain thought it might burst if I didn't have just one. 

Last year I sat on the front porch after trick or treating with my husband and my kids, and I think (without exaggerating) I ate 25-30 Kit Kat's, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Twix, and Snickers.  I just remember sitting there unwrapping one right after the other and shoveling them into my mouth.  I don't even think I stopped to breath, or talk to anyone, or look around; I just sat there staring forward as if in some type of trance, and ate and ate and ate.  

That's the way Halloween always was for me growing up.  I would come home with my bag of candy, go in my room, sit on the floor, and binge.   This is why I've put up so many posts about sugar, and candy and desserts lately (birthdays and holidays are HERE!!).  I have not known control with sugar for most of my life because for most holidays, it's the sugar that controls me.  This "fat fight" journey is more than just losing weight for me, it's about breaking old and very deeply ingrained habits, and changing them out for new healthy ones.  I don't just want to lose 60lbs, I want to eat differently especially on holidays, because holidays can very quickly turn into every day for me.  Today was a huge step in self control and restraint.  I'm almost 37, it's about time I stop eating like I did as a kid.

Pre-Halloween Triumph!

I climbed my own personal Mount Everest and reached the summit last night.  I was at a Halloween party with a huge bowl of candy, and I did not have ANY!  That's right folks, for the first time in my life I was at a party with an open bowl of candy, and I didn't bite into one.  There was also a GINORMOUS plate of cupcakes and cookies, a pie, another container of cookies, and oh yes, one more plate of cookies.  There was also a  pumpkin cheesecake (Weight Watchers recipe - 5pts a slice, which is VERY good for a dessert), and I did have a small piece of that.  I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself.
Oh, and it's 1pm today and I still haven't dipped my hands into any Halloween candy!  Woohoo!!

Chocolate Makes My Clothes Shrink

I have a little sign in my kitchen that reads, "Chocolate Makes My Clothes Shrink".  I bought it back when I was at a normal weight.  I thought it was cute and funny back then.....it's not that funny right about now.  I was considering trashing it, but I think I won't.  I think I'm going to keep it as a reminder that chocolate, and all that's in chocolate, and all of chocolate's evil friends have in fact, caused my body to get fat, which has made my clothes stop fitting or fit much much tighter.  The clever wording of a sign isn't going to change reality.

Back on Track

I finally got back to the gym today and it felt good.  I've also been back on track with eating healthy today, haven't had any candy or dessert.  I was also  able to get through a  lot of the laundry that got put on hold this past week, and the kitchen is looking more like a kitchen and not, the dump.  It's amazing how when one area of your life seems to be falling apart, how quickly the rest seems to jump ship with it.  Thank God for the weekend!!!

The Struggle

When I started this blog I knew a few things:  1. I wanted to lose weight, 2.  I wanted to be completely honest with each post, 3. I wanted to help myself, 4. I wanted to help others.  I wanted others to feel like they weren't alone and to know that there is another person out there that thinks like they do, and is struggling like they are.  I also wanted to tackle fat, tackle the mind games, and tackle the excuses, and you know what?  I'm struggling.  
The "easy" thing to do right now is to make excuses as to why I can't follow my diet and exercise i.e., I had an emotional week, I have plantar fasciitis in both feet, I pulled a muscle in my butt, my kid's keep bringing home candy and it's impossible for me to avoid it etc.  Maybe saying "the easy thing to do" is incorrect, because ultimately it's not making anything easier.  Maybe what I should say is that "going back to old habits" is what I want to do because they are  "comforting" to me, they are what's "familiar".  However, those old habits are what got me here in the first place.  
My brother has been trying to help me by using some "tough love" (he's like my own personal Jillian Michaels).  Want to know how I know that he's right?  Because the things he's been saying to me have been hitting a nerve, a big one.  I've learned from personal experience that when you say something out of love to someone else and it angers them, the person who has said it is right, and the other person knows it - they just don't want to hear it, or they're not ready to hear it, or it might mean that they need to change (and change can be scary).  I know he's right, NOW is the time for me to stay strong and fight the fight, because the tough times are when it counts the most!
So here's to fighting the fight, even when it's hard, and for thanking well meaning people (my brother in this case) even if part of me doesn't want to. :-)

It's all going to be about maintenance this weekend

Last night I won my battle over the candy at CVS (I still haven't purchased Halloween candy because I don't want it in the house).  WELL TODAY, I picked my son up at preschool,  and I kid you not, he emerged from his classroom holding a "goody bag" the size of a pillow case, a very full pillow case.

Now let me set the scene for all of you, I'm still overtired and overwhelmed  from this past week, I totally lost it when my son's preschool teacher asked how I was doing (let the floodgates open) when I dropped him off at preschool, and I'm due to get my "monthly friend" any moment now.  Good Lord!  I said I would fight fat, but I never said I would attempt the impossible!  I had all I could do not to grab the bag out of my son's hands, shove him out of the way, and run for the hills with his bag of sweet sweet goodness!  Thankfully I was able to restrain myself from doing that, or it may have been the cops who were restraining me!  However, once at home I did end up having a kit kat, a milkyway and tiny bag of m&ms.

This isn't exactly the way I hoped I would handle Halloween time, but then again, the world is not perfect and neither am I.  I'll get to the gym tonight, with my pulled butt muscle, and try to work off some of the candy.  Other than that I'm going to try and make smart eating choices for the rest of the day, and drink lots of water.  What I'm not going to do is adopt the attitude I've had so many other times that goes something like, "Well since I've already blown it today, I might as well keep going with the binge."  What's done is done, and I'm not going to make it any worse.

Won a battle at CVS tonight

I had to go to CVS tonight to pick up a few prescriptions and once again the candy isle was calling my name.  I stood there for a long time staring at the candy  (I'm beginning to think that I secretly enjoy torturing myself), but I didn't get any.  The victory is mine!

BINGE

I'm not going to lie on this blog, and I'm not going to pretend that everything is going great, when it isn't.   I ended up having a full out sugar binge yesterday.  I just shoveled anything and everything I could into my mouth that was candy or dessert.  It was emotional and stress eating.  I don't plan on doing it today, but I know it's going to be tough.  It might even be like starting all over again...maybe even worse...because I'm still emotionally unstable. 
If you pray, please say a prayer for me.  I don't want to undo all the hard work I've put in.  I really don't want to take steps backwards.  Not eating sweets today will be a HUGE victory.
Thank you :-)

A Blip in the Screen

After a totally draining couple of days, both physically and emotionally, I've been stress eating today.  I've had "non" diet stuff, but will get back on track tomorrow.  I know it's better to exercise when stressed, but I'm just not up for it.  I did good (for the most part) while at the hospital, but I just needed to give myself a break today.  HOWEVER, my goal is to reach a point where I DON'T feel the need to look to food for "comfort" or for a "stress release" or because I feel like I've "earned it" or that I "deserve it".  When it comes down to it, turning to "junk" really isn't a "reward" or a "cure" or a "help" or a "stress release". 
Back to fighting fat tomorrow!!!!

Getting in one more post

I said that I wouldn't be posting today, but I didn't think I would be up this early.  Very briefly, I have to take my daughter to the hospital today and overnight (and possibly tomorrow and tomorrow night, for some tests - we are hopeful the results will be good).  HOWEVER,  I am getting in one more walk this morning before I go, and I'm going to try as hard as I can to make healthy choices off of the hospital menu.  I AM NOT using this as an excuse to eat whatever I want!!!!!!!

Monday - week 2

To make a long story short, we've had a family emergency that has kept me from the blog today.  All I can say is that I went on a power walk today for a stress release, instead of reaching to food.  Walking off the stress was a lot better than trying to eat it away (I should know, I did that for a year and all I got was a fat belly  :-). 
I probably won't be able to blog tomorrow or the next day, but that doesn't mean the diet is over.
See you all in a few days, and thank you again for reading my ramblings.

Sugar

Just a few thoughts on sugar and what it does to me (I think).  A few posts ago I said that I wasn't going to have any treats this weekend (chuckle), and I ended up having a few (this proves that I'm human, just in case any of you were wondering).  Yesterday I had a piece of apple pie with a scoop of low fat ice cream, and a Reese's cup.  Today I had a Kit Kat,  a mini (and I mean a one bite sized) Snickers, and a small bowl of low fat vanilla ice cream (okay okay, with some chocolate syrup and peanut butter on top...I REALLY didn't want to write that and admit that, but I REEEEALLY want to be honest too).
I was a bit down (emotionally) yesterday, and I've been down today.  I'm going to have to keep track of this because my gut is telling me that sugar makes me depressed.  The only other thing I can think of is that my "monthly friend" is coming in about a week and so it could be hormonal.  For now I think it's best (both emotionally and for weight loss purposes) for me to cut out candy/desserts again. 
Damn you sugar!!!  Why does something that makes things taste SO good have to be SO bad????!!!!  Damn you again!!

Sunday Night

I ended up having time to work out today, so I did.  Three days in a row!  A month ago I had NO energy because I was so full of sugar.  I was also getting uncomfortable because I had so much fat around my middle.  The heaviness around my middle was a familiar feeling, so I wasn't alarmed initially, until I remembered that the feeling was familiar because it was the same feeling I had when I was 8 months pregnant!!!  All of a sudden one day I was like, "oh wait, it's not supposed to be hard for me to get up off the floor after playing with my kids!", and, "It shouldn't be this hard for me to crawl on the floor to play trains," and , "I'm not supposed to have trouble standing for even short periods of time."  All I wanted to do all the time was sit; sit on the couch, sit on the chair outside, sit at the computer...sit sit sit, because sitting was EASY.
I remember the first night I decided to start exercising again.  All I wanted to do was go for a 1/2 hour power walk, and for the very first time in my life (aside from being pregnant), walking was LABOR...I mean, it hurt!  I remember heading up the first hill and I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm like the contestants on the first day of " The Biggest Loser"!"  Fast forward to today and although I've lost (only) 8 pounds (and I'm still over 200lbs), I feel A MILLION times better.  My stomach is smaller (thank God) and my endurance and energy are both UP!  I can't say enough about the importance of exercise!

The One Week Mark

I started this blog one week ago and so I thought I would hop on the scale and see what's happened.  I'm down 3 pounds, which means that in the past three weeks I've lost around 8 pounds!!  I attribute this to, exercising, snacking on fruits and vegetables instead of chips and crackers (for the most part :-), not eating food off of my kid's plates, reducing portion size, and staying away from sweets (again, for the most part :-).  Have I been perfect?  Absolutely not.  Have I beat myself up when I haven't followed the plan I wanted to follow to a T?  No (well, not much).  Did I want to throw in the towel yesterday?  Yes.  Are my SWEATPANTS feeling better around my upper thighs/bum? Yes.  But does that mean the diet is over, just because my SWEATPANTS feel looser?  No! Because all my other "non-stay-at-home-mom pants" DON'T FIT!!!  (I write this because sometimes I feel like I'm "done with the new healthy eating" just because something like sweatpants feel better...aaaah, no).
Uh oh, got a crying toddler....back to the blog later :-)  PS, the crying toddler is WHY this post is being posted at 5:30am on a Sunday.  Just in case any of you were thinking I was crazy! :-)

S.O.S.!!!!! I have Halloween Candy in my house!!!

To make a long story short, I have three small children, and we just got home from "Pre-Halloween" trick or treating at their preschool.
Now back when I used to do Weight Watchers they would always say, "Don't buy the candy until Halloween, and then buy something you DON'T like."  Okay, so I like ALL candy except the "crappy" kind - You hand that stuff out, and your house gets egged, but I digress.  I have candy in my house!!!!!!!!!!!! 
A brief history of me and candy - I CAN'T STOP EATING IT ONCE I START!!!!  ESPECIALLY (free) open bags of candy, IN MY HOUSE!  I've gotten full off of m&ms before.  Do you know how many m&ms you have to eat to get FULL??  It's a lot.  Another way to describe me.  Do you remember the shark named "Bruce" in "Finding Nemo?"  He holds an AA type meeting for sharks who want to stop eating fish.  Remember the line, "fish are friends, not food?"  And then the second he gets the scent of fish blood up his nose he goes NUTS trying to eat Marlin and Dory, and then says in a crazed Jack Nicholson type way from "The Shining", "I'm having FISH tonight!"  Well, that would be me with chocolate.  Against my better judgment, I had a Reese's cup at the school, and now I'm like a heroin addict looking for her next hit!
I'm not going to pretend I'm stronger than I am, so I've told my husband to hide our children's candy.  He may even have to keep it in his car when he goes to work on Monday, because I know ME.  I know that come 3pm I'll start searching for it.  I just can't even have that temptation in my house.
I guess this isn't a real S.O.S since I seem to have a plan in place.  But I KNOW that there is at least one of you reading this, who has the same weakness as me.  Get YOUR plan in place so you're not tortured like I was a little while ago. :-)

Saturday, 10/23 - HUGE SIGH

I went to the gym this morning.  I know I know, I went last night, but I won't be able to go tomorrow so I wanted to get there today.  It was a better workout than last night, but not great. 
I'm getting into my "end of the week" slump.  For the past year it seems as though I haven't been able to stick to any new "healthy" eating plan for more than 3 or 4 days.  At the beginning of the week I'm always all fired up and focused on losing weight, and then by the end of the week I'm like, "what was it that I was going to do?"  Okay, so time to refocus.  I'm almost done with ONE week, of hopefully many many many (eek) weeks on a road to a healthier, happier, and thinner me. 
I just hate the mind games, you know?  Part of me just wants to sit back and say, "screw it, give me some cake", and then there's the other part of me that's saying, "you HAVE to stick with this, this is what you want, don't take the lazy way out saying, "oh well, I tried but it just didn't work."  I'm sick of that first voice, that first voice is why I'm 60 pounds overweight.
(Another huge sigh).  I'm just down, not sure why.  I haven't blown the diet or anything, I'm just not totally pumped about anything right now.  Maybe I should go on a short walk and get some fresh air, that might help (it sure as heck can't hurt!).

Just an FYI

I changed the comment setting from "anyone can leave a comment without my reviewing it first" to, "all comments will be reviewed by me, before they are posted."  I did this because I feel that more people will be apt to comment if they know I'll be the only one who sees it initially (and they can ask me not to post their comment and I won't,  i.e., if you just want to send me a personal message), versus it going up for display for everyone to see right away.  I hope that makes sense.

Also, I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this blog so far.  It hasn't even been up one week and it's already received over 400 viewings!  That's got to mean something!  Writing this is REALLY helping me and I REALLY hope it is helping some of you as well!
Blessings to all! 

Friday night crap-out

Well, I went to the gym tonight and all I have to say is, some days you've got it and some days you just don't.  Today, I didn't have it.  I actually really wanted to go to the gym and was planning on working out really hard, but as soon as I started on the elliptical machine I knew it was going to be a tough one.  My legs just felt like they were on the constant verge of cramping up, so instead of 30 minutes I only did 20, and then I got off to stretch.  Then I tried out the recumbent bike and it was the same story, just really tired cramping legs.  I had to keep bringing down the resistance on the bike until I was down to 1.   I ended up doing a total of 45 minutes of cardio, which I am NOT saying is bad AT ALL, it was just a very very unpleasant 45 minutes (and not what I was hoping for in terms of intensity).  Then I did some good stretching, and some abdominal work, which I DETEST more than anything else in the whole world!  But I did it.
In trying to keep all of this in perspective, a month ago I would have said to my husband (with a huge happy smile on my face), "It's Friday night and I think we both deserve a treat."  He would have said, "Are you sure that's what you want to do?  I know you are trying to lose weight."  And I would have said, "Ooooh, come on!  It's Friday night!  I'll start THAT again tomorrow.  What kind of ice cream do you want?"
Tonight, I. WENT. TO. THE. GYM!!!  So what if it was a crap workout?  I went!  I'm not going to lie, on the way there I thought, "maybe I could just get some frozen yogurt on the way home." (I didn't).
So here's to crappy workouts, because a crappy workout is better than no workout at all!

Not Going to Say: "I'll start my diet on Monday"

My vow is to make Saturday and Sunday like any other day of the week (food wise).  Time to break old thought processes i.e., it's the weekend so I can have more fun (with food).  The only change that I'm planning on making is to exercise more  than I'm able to on the weekdays, because my husband will be home.  I know all too well that eating more on the weekend can negate all the work I've put in during the week, and the time to break out of that cycle is NOW!  I AM going to do this and as a reward, I'm going to buy a new lipstick for myself on Sunday night!

An Epiphany from July of 2009

 The following is a blog entry that I wrote in July of 2009 (I posted it on another blog of mine).  I had finally realized that I was never going to eat enough sweets to make me say, "I'm done.  I'm done with desserts.  I can't stand them anymore."  What had happened (happens) with me is that I would tell myself, "Okay, if I just have this one hot fudge sundae then I will stop craving sweets, because this will satisfy the craving, and I'll be able to start eating healthy tomorrow.  Well you know what?  Tomorrow would come and I would say, "Okay, I just need to have a piece of chocolate cake, and then I won't crave sweets anymore, and I'll be able to start eating healthy tomorrow."  Then the next tomorrow it would be a brownie, then the next tomorrow it would be cheesecake etc. etc.  Before long I would get into such a deep rut of doing this that I would end up saying, "Okay, if I just have this one BIG massive dessert/chocolate binge day then I'll get it all out of my system, and then I will REALLY be able to start fresh tomorrow.  (I'm sure you've guessed by now- 40 pounds later- that tomorrow never really came).

So with all that said, here is my post from over a year ago:

"So it has finally happened. The epiphany I have been waiting for most of my adult life. The "ah ha" moment needed to finally stop the madness, the binging without the purging, the mindless shoveling of desserts into my mouth as if they were all going to vanish from planet earth in the next hour. I have finally realized this - THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH - there will never be enough desserts that I can fill into my pie hole (pun intended), to satisfy me. And do you know what? That gives me the peace I have been craving (no pun intended) to know that I CAN have one piece of cake and stop. I now know that eating half a pan of brownies, a chocolate bar, an ice cream sundae, chocolate chip cookies (I could go on) in one weekend DOES NOT max me out. There are not enough desserts in the world that will ever make me say, "No no, I couldn't possibly eat that slab of chocolate cake because I'm sick of dessert. I now know this! Whatever hole I'm trying fill will never be filled, so now I can stop trying to fill it! I can stop after one piece of cake! I can stop after one sundae! I can stop after 2 chocolate chip cookies :-)~
So now as I log off, I'm off to go eat my ONE bowl of ice cream.
I hope!"

So now as I sit typing this on October 21st, 2010 I have to ask myself, Do I believe this and am I capable of doing it?  Can I have a piece of cake on a Sunday and then not eat any more desserts for days or weeks afterward?  I better figure it out fast though because my birthday, my mom's birthday, and my son's birthday are all coming up in early November.  Not to mention Halloween, Thanksgiving, my other daughter's birthday, Christmas, and then my other daughter's birthday, which are all coming up in the next few months.  I feel like what's coming up could make me or break me.  I would love suggestions, thoughts, comments on this post :-)

Small Victory (or is it Big?)

I have not eaten any leftover food off of my children's plates ALL week.  I'm done with the mindset, "but it will be wasting food if SOMEONE (always me) doesn't eat it."  The only waste I see is my own, rapidly expanding, waist!

An early morning at the gym

Kelly (21 months) decided to get up at 5:30 this morning, yuck!  I decided to make the most of the early rising and I got my butt (my butt that my three year old was ramming her head with yesterday while saying, "Mommy, your bum is shaking.  Your bum is big") to the gym by 6.  Jeff had to leave for work by 7, so it was a short work-out.  But then again, a short workout is better than NO workout!

Torture...Candy Style

I just tortured myself in the candy isle of CVS.  It was like the candy and I were having a staring contest (I'm pretty sure I blinked, not sure if the candy did, though).  I won (this time).  Not sure what I'm trying to prove.  It's like I'm saying to the candy, "You think you're so tough, don't you?!  Well, see how strong I am?!  I can stand here and look (I bet you taste great) at you, and not buy (wow, those Kit Kats look so delicious) any of you.  You don't control me, I control you!"  I know that's kind of lame, but that's kind of what I was thinking.  Oh my gosh, I'm trying to prove to the CANDY that I'm tough!  Forget FAT FIGHT, I was having a KAT FIGHT (clever, I know)! What a weirdo!

Visit to Mom and Dad's house....eeeeek!!

Okay, so for the past year taking my kids down to my parent's house for an afternoon/early evening visit has = the following for me, food wise: get to my parents and start eating potato chips, tortilla chips, fiber one bars, nuts nuts nuts, any candy I could find, and chex mix. I would just keep heading back into the kitchen to get more. After a while I would ask my parent's if they would mind watching the kids for a bit so I could head out to a store, and on my way to go shopping I would stop at Hanaford's and get a big bag of yogurt covered pretzels (and eat them while I drove) and sometimes I would stop at a diner called "Cravings" and get a massive cupcake and eat that too. Back at my parent's we would usually get pizza and I would have at least 3 slices of that.
I went yesterday and this is what I had from 3pm on: a banana and a handful of cashews (then I went on a walk with my mom). At dinner I had one very small piece of pizza from the small pizza, two slices of pizza from the onion pizza, half an apple and water.
I would say that yesterdays visit was a BIG improvement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't you?

You Bad Bad Bagel! 10/19/10

Jeff came home last night with leftover bagels from work (the really good kind). My plan for breakfast this morning was to have oatmeal, and until I tried one bite of his bagel, that was still my plan. However, after a bite I had to have one. What did I do to make it "less bad?" I cut it in half and scooped out a lot of the middle (the real bulk of the bagel), then I toasted it and put a "dusting" of cream cheese on. What's a dusting? Barely enough to see it, but enough to get the taste. Now I only feel half bad about the BIG BAD CARB BAGEL at breakfast. My plan for the rest of the day? Cut WAY back other carbs i.e., no bread at lunch, no rice at dinner. I'll just stick with protein, dairy and fruits and veggies (at least this is my plan)...oh, and drink lots of water (Mike :-)

Demons

It's 6:40pm, I've eaten dinner and the demons are coming. What demons you ask? The ones that tell me that my DAY, my LIFE, my EXISTENCE here on earth, will not be complete until I have a dessert. There are no desserts for me tonight and I'm feeling like I'm FREAKING OUT!!! I won't cave, though. I'll have some tea (with a little bit of milk and sugar) and I'll call it a night.
This is tough...very tough.
Oh, and for those of you thinking, "just have a little of something." I can't. I had a little of something last night, which was probably not the best move, and now tonight I want more... and tomorrow night I'll want more...and so on. I have to cut this off now before it spirals out of control...AGAIN!

This past weekend and today 10/16-10/18/10

I went grocery shopping on Saturday and I almost cried in the bakery section (yes, I almost cried) because I knew I couldn't have any of it. I wonder if recovering alcoholics go into liquor stores and start bawling at the beer? I was strong though, and I didn't buy any sweets.
Sunday afternoon - I caved and got half an apple pie and low fat vanilla ice cream. I had one slice (and Jeff had one slice) with one scoop of ice cream and stopped (which is MONUMENTAL!!). I'm giving the kids the last of the pie along with some ice cream, when they finish their lunch today. I'm feeling mentally strong today so I won't eat any of it (Jeff can have whatever ice cream is left when he gets home and then I'm trashing anything left in the carton).
I went to the gym yesterday morning and then ran around the park with the kids in the afternoon. I took Kelly on a 45 minute walk this morning. It felt good!
Since cutting WAY back on sugar two weeks ago I'm feeling a TON more energy (but it took a week or so to get to this point).

My History

(I said I wouldn't write long stuff but I needed to explain my history with food and my weight).

I wasn't a fat kid, although I had periods when I was a bit heavier at times than I should have been for my height, but then I'd have a growth spurt and everything would even out.

In high school my swim team coach (Martin Bealle) told me I should lose a little weight (looking back on it, I was a NORMAL weight for my height and he should have never said anything). The result? I spent the rest of my teens and twenties thinking that I was "fat" when I really wasn't. But I listened to my coach and I went on Weight Watchers (WW), lost about 15 pounds, and my period stopped. You see, when you're not overweight to begin with and then you lose weight rapidly, your body starts to fail. That was junior year. I think my lowest weight was 128?? But then I stopped WW and started to gain weight back senior year.

College: Gained 25 pounds FIRST SEMESTER freshman year (I think I weighed 158 at Christmas break). During college my weight varied between 145-158 (within normal limits for my height).

After college: maintained a normal weight, but then I met Jeff...and I fell in love...and when you date, you eat...out...a lot :-). And I started to gain weight. Then we got engaged, and I dropped about 22 pounds (by doing WW) and was 136 when I got married in 2004.

I had Brian in 2005 (I weighed 195 when I was 9 months pregnant with him), then I got pregnant with Kate 5 months after he was born (I weighed 200 when I was 9 months pregnant with her, February 2007). After Kate, I lost some weight and when I got pregnant with Kelly I weighed 151 (March of 2008). I weighed 205 when I was 9 months pregnant with Kelly (December of 2008). In July of 2009 I was down to 172, and then something happened... and the weight started piling on. In July of 2009 I had been on an antidepressant for a few months so I'm not sure if that really "kicked in", I now had three kids which equaled STRESS, and Whole Foods opened up in my town (I LOVE their bakery). Whatever the reason, from July of 2009 until NOW I've gained 40 pounds (I can't even write my weight, because I'm too upset about it, ..but I'm sure you are all capable of doing the math).

This past year and 3 months have been challenging (to put it mildly and nicely). It's been stressful, and emotionally draining (and physically draining at times), and depressing at times and I've been eating through all of it. I've always loved sweets but I think this year I developed a very real and very true sugar addiction. In addition, conflicting reports said that Zoloft, which I just recently stopped taking, has "increased appetite" as a side effect. Um, I'LL SAY!! I would have eaten the house if you had let me!! I've been off it for just over a month and I'm doing good (emotionally) and I feel like my need to keep filling my pie hole (no pun intended) is subsiding. (FYI, if I feel I need to go back on something (for emotional/psychological reasons) I will work with my doctor to find something that won't make me want to eat like a sumo wrestler).

So that's it. This is where I stand. I'm 60 pounds overweight and I'm afraid (terrified actually) to try to lose the weight, and FAIL. But I DON'T want to be a FAT mom!!!! I'm being forced to face a fear!!!! I don't like it, I don't like it at all! Okay, enough...I'm facing it and if you're reading this then you're following me along for the ride. Please God don't make it be too bumpy!!

The Beginning

Whether you're here for a laugh or because you too are fat (or for both reasons) I would like to welcome you to FAT FIGHT. Why FAT FIGHT? Because after a year of steady weight gain, I'm DONE! I finally got mad enough at the vicious cycle I've been in to want to beat it...beat the crap out of it actually!! The desire to fight came from within, but has been supported and encouraged by those closest to me (my husband, my parents and my brother).

I'm not going to offer recipes or advice on this blog. All I'm going to do is write short (and maybe sometimes long) entries about daily victories and failures, struggles and triumphs, mental pain and mental gain. And of course I'll post weigh-in amounts from time to time.
My goal: To exercise more, eat less, and stop DWELLING so much on the negative!