My History

(I said I wouldn't write long stuff but I needed to explain my history with food and my weight).

I wasn't a fat kid, although I had periods when I was a bit heavier at times than I should have been for my height, but then I'd have a growth spurt and everything would even out.

In high school my swim team coach (Martin Bealle) told me I should lose a little weight (looking back on it, I was a NORMAL weight for my height and he should have never said anything). The result? I spent the rest of my teens and twenties thinking that I was "fat" when I really wasn't. But I listened to my coach and I went on Weight Watchers (WW), lost about 15 pounds, and my period stopped. You see, when you're not overweight to begin with and then you lose weight rapidly, your body starts to fail. That was junior year. I think my lowest weight was 128?? But then I stopped WW and started to gain weight back senior year.

College: Gained 25 pounds FIRST SEMESTER freshman year (I think I weighed 158 at Christmas break). During college my weight varied between 145-158 (within normal limits for my height).

After college: maintained a normal weight, but then I met Jeff...and I fell in love...and when you date, you eat...out...a lot :-). And I started to gain weight. Then we got engaged, and I dropped about 22 pounds (by doing WW) and was 136 when I got married in 2004.

I had Brian in 2005 (I weighed 195 when I was 9 months pregnant with him), then I got pregnant with Kate 5 months after he was born (I weighed 200 when I was 9 months pregnant with her, February 2007). After Kate, I lost some weight and when I got pregnant with Kelly I weighed 151 (March of 2008). I weighed 205 when I was 9 months pregnant with Kelly (December of 2008). In July of 2009 I was down to 172, and then something happened... and the weight started piling on. In July of 2009 I had been on an antidepressant for a few months so I'm not sure if that really "kicked in", I now had three kids which equaled STRESS, and Whole Foods opened up in my town (I LOVE their bakery). Whatever the reason, from July of 2009 until NOW I've gained 40 pounds (I can't even write my weight, because I'm too upset about it, ..but I'm sure you are all capable of doing the math).

This past year and 3 months have been challenging (to put it mildly and nicely). It's been stressful, and emotionally draining (and physically draining at times), and depressing at times and I've been eating through all of it. I've always loved sweets but I think this year I developed a very real and very true sugar addiction. In addition, conflicting reports said that Zoloft, which I just recently stopped taking, has "increased appetite" as a side effect. Um, I'LL SAY!! I would have eaten the house if you had let me!! I've been off it for just over a month and I'm doing good (emotionally) and I feel like my need to keep filling my pie hole (no pun intended) is subsiding. (FYI, if I feel I need to go back on something (for emotional/psychological reasons) I will work with my doctor to find something that won't make me want to eat like a sumo wrestler).

So that's it. This is where I stand. I'm 60 pounds overweight and I'm afraid (terrified actually) to try to lose the weight, and FAIL. But I DON'T want to be a FAT mom!!!! I'm being forced to face a fear!!!! I don't like it, I don't like it at all! Okay, enough...I'm facing it and if you're reading this then you're following me along for the ride. Please God don't make it be too bumpy!!